“MAYBE THE JOURNEY ISN’T SO MUCH ABOUT BECOMING ANYTHING. MAYBE IT IS ABOUT UNBECOMING EVERYTHING THAT ISN’T REALLY YOU SO YOU CAN BE WHO YOU WERE MEANT TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE.”
I have a really frustrating capability to love others more than I love my own self. This capability can be overwhelming and extremely self-destructive at times. Looking back over the past couple of years I find it hard to pinpoint a decision I made solely for myself. (Disclaimer: This is no one’s fault except for my own.)
Selfish has always been the last word choice to cross my mind when asked to describe myself by others. Prior to the breakup I spent my time volunteering at the Boys and Girls club teaching young kids how to express themselves through writing poetry and performing spoken word in front of crowds, holding a peace rally in my city with over 1,000 people showing up, collecting clothing donations for kids less fortunate, and sleeping on the streets with the homeless to raise awareness for the overwhelming homeless population in my city.
However, with the changing of time I had to open myself up to the idea of “selfishness.” I wanted to be able to look in the mirror at the end of each day and know that I made decisions for myself and to better me, myself, & I.
Unfortunately, me exploring the world of selfishness lead me into more turmoil and strained relationships with those close to me. You see, I have learned recently that there is a right way to be selfish and a wrong way to be selfish. I was so focused on digging myself out of the greatest depression episode I’ve ever gone through that my visions and energy towards everything else quickly diminished. I quit going to church, I stopped hanging around my family, I stopped volunteering, I quit blogging, I quit everything, including jobs and even attending classes sometimes. (Definitely not one of my finest moments). I completely gave up for awhile and only found comfort in sleep, drinking, and smoking. This was definitely not the path I was supposed to be headed down but I had no idea how to put the world back under my feet when it seemed like I had been thrown out to sea with no life jacket. The very thing I prayed for was a chance for God to move me.. but yet I still remained unwilling to move in His direction. (I don’t catch on very easily).
“Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that wants to die.”
My mom took notice that I was struggling mentally, financially, emotionally, and spiritually and invited me to come back home until I was strong enough to pick myself back up again. At first the idea thrilled me. (Typically nothing makes my heart feel overwhelmingly full than my little siblings.)
To be blunt and truthful… moving back home did not turn out to be the perfect picture I (or my mom) invisisioned. The night I packed all my clothes and belongings from my apartment that I had been sharing with my ex was one of the most emotionally exhausting times of my short-lived life thus far. I wasn’t just packing away my clothes; I was throwing away memories, “what if’s,” and “what could be’s.” I had to leave my dog, freedom, and life as I knew it all behind.
Looonnnngg story made short: It was very hard for me to adjust living back at home for the first time in four years. When I first moved out of my parents house I had just graduated high school, so coming to live back at home as a senior in college was tremendously difficult for everyone. I had grown into an independent, adult version of myself over the past four years which resembled little of who I was at 18 when I first left the “nest.”
Although my parents opened their doors and arms to me, I found myself feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt. Most days/nights I wanted to runaway and disappear. I’d go to sleep dreaming of escape plans on how I was gonna runaway and start a new life with new people where there were no memories attached to my surroundings.
I felt displaced with no sense of “belonging” no matter where I went or who I was with (except when I was with a newfound friend, Jron.)
Now you see, using the word “fate” might be a little too strong of a word choice, but Jron and I meeting when we did has been nothing short of a blessing. Coincidentally he was going through a breakup just like myself and found himself in many of the same predicaments I was in. Together we were a two-man tribe on a quest to find our way back to happiness and rid ourselves of the heartache we were left with. It is a weird, yet valuable, sense of comfort to be able to be raw, honest, and vulnerable with someone else who was experiencing the same trials and tribulations I found myself going through. He made me feel a little less crazy and lot more confident in myself as we picked up the scattered pieces of ourselves and each other.
“Stick with people who pull the magic out of you and not the madness.”
Hanging out with Jron made me feel the most normal I’d felt in a really long time and provided me answers to questions I didn’t even know needed answered almost as if it was magic. He was the only person who fully allowed me to be myself, (no matter how crazy I felt), without judgement, fear, or ridicule.
With us both feeling the need to escape our surroundings, breathe some fresh air, and get the hell out of Kansas we embarked on our first roadtrip together. (Which was almost a miracle in itself too because we planned the trip the same day we left and everything went SUPER smoothly.)
Our destination? None other than the beautiful state of Colorado; a place where we both feel free to be ourselves, experience new things, and push ourselves to new limits without the constant reminders of our pasts sneaking up on us. (P.s. Stay tuned for an upcoming travel blog from yours truly)
Coming home from Colorado I felt like I could tackle the last few weeks that remained of the spring semester at Wichita State. I felt stronger, more confident, and and a little more clear headed. It marked the site of summer and a new chapter in my life as I started working at a bank, kissed my waitressing days goodbye, moved back out into my own apartment, and attempted to balance new struggles that life threw my way.
Stay tuned for the third and final blog post.. part three coming soon.💕
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BE SURE TO GIVE JRON’S MIXTAPE A LISTEN & STAY TUNED FOR HIS ALBUM AESTHETIC DISCOMFORT 🔥🎶 https://www.audiomack.com/album/dreadlocshawty/ngs-nerdy-gamin-skater