I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me over the past eight months asking when my next blog update would be, if I would blog about the break up, my new life, or the challenges I faced over the past few months.
I decided to wait until I found the right words to say… however, now here we are eight months later and I’m still stumbling over myself when trying to type out the mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional rollercoaster ride the past eight months has been. One thing that I do know for sure though, is that although I’ve experienced some of the lowest points in my life starting off the year 2017, I have also most definitely experienced some of the highest points in my life thus far. I’ve split the past eight months up into three categories and so the “Rediscovering Ashlyn” series will be written in three separate blogs.
✨ Enjoy Part One ✨
⚠️ Warning: There is some minor cussing in this blog so keep that in mind while reading. 💛
“And the day came when the risk to remain in a tight bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ”
– Anais Nin
I typically like to think of myself as a fairly spontaneous, happy-go-lucky person. However, for everyone that knows me knows I’ve always been schedule oriented, a list maker, and an extreme planner. Ever since I was younger I had a very specific life timeline drawn out that I just knew was the “perfect life.” I wanted to get the hell out of Kansas, marry my high school sweetheart, have four kids, lots of animals, and change the world. For four years I worked extremely hard to accomplish just that.
Unfortunately I ignored a lot of signs in my life that kept telling me that it was okay to stray from this imaginary, self-made timeline in my head. (Even when the signs were like giant beams of sound shooting from the sky with a megaphone screaming for me to wake up and open my eyes to alternative timelines. *sigh* I remained totally certain that I knew what I was doing.) For years I prayed, begged, and pleaded with God to let things go my way because I obviously knew better. *insert eye roll here for my stupidity*
On December 15th of 2016 I woke up one morning next to the man I had spent the past four years dating and started my morning like any other day until life socked me right in the gut. Hearing the words “I think we should just be friends” roll off the tongue of the person you’ve deeply invested in and loved for years pretty much knocks the wind right out of your chest.
Without going into too much unnecessary detail, that morning it felt as though I was sitting in a movie theatre all alone watching my life unfold on the big screen and then all the sudden the sound skips and the curtains are drawn and next thing you know I’m just sitting in the dark trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
A month before the breakup I was listening to Hillsong’s song Oceans when I first started to feel like I was losing my grip on life. I thought that I was already at rock bottom at that point and I remember driving to class in tears as I sang this song over and over and over in my car. (Low key probably freaked people out sitting off campus crying and praying in my car but oh well *shoulder shrug*)
A family friend commented on my status sharing the lyrics from the song and told me to buckle up because when she prayed that she went through the trial of her life. I mistakenly brushed it off thinking “okay, It can’t get much worse than it is right now soooo.” Little did I know that she was absolutely right (Sorry Liz! I didn’t take you seriously!) Coincidence or not that a month later I was thrown out to sea, by myself, struggling to keep myself “above water” so to say.
After the breakup I had realized that I spent the past four years structuring my life around the man that I was dating and I no longer knew who I was as an individual. (Disclaimer: This is not in any way a jab at my ex.)
After a few weeks of moping around (and to be completely honest, weeks of total denial that this was “for real for real”) I woke up one morning took a shower, made some coffee, did my hair and makeup real cute, and drowned my sorrows out with every break up song written since the 90’s. (Because every girl knows a good makeup/jam session after a shower can be life altering.)
I decided to focus on building myself back up, figure out who I am as an individual, and become an “independent woman who don’t need no man.” One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned since being single is to figure out who you are as an individual PRIOR to getting into a relationship because if you don’t you will mold yourself around whoever you’re dating and if they were to leave.. the life you molded crumbles right in front of your face and you’re left with no sense of self identity.
After the breakup I was stripped of my self confidence and the love I had for myself seemed to die right alongside my relationship. I remember looking in the mirror, replaying scenarios in my head, and questioning where I went wrong on a daily basis. “Maybe I shouldn’t have cut my hair, maybe dying my hair purple was extreme, maybe I should have worn more/less makeup, maybe I shouldn’t have brought up marriage, if only I wouldn’t have asked hard questions..”
One morning I woke up and decided enough was enough. I decided to try the whole “fake it until you make it” strategy. The next morning I dyed my hair brown, created a “bad b*tch” playlist of songs that made me feel like a boss, (ladies, don’t pretend like you don’t have a couple songs that make your confidence skyrocket and give you a whole different boss a$$ b*tch persona) and went and applied for a new job that in my mind would restore my confidence and give me a sense of what it felt like to be an “independent female.” (& to be very blunt and honest I wanted to do all of this while pissing my ex off just a little bit.)
I walked into Twin Peaks scared out of my mind.(as I had never even been inside before) Twenty minutes later I was in a Twin Peaks costume walking up and down a hallway to “prove” I could “pull off the uniform.” It was official after that.. I was the newest member of the Twin Peaks Girls.
I’m sure you all can predict just how well that worked out. After working at Twin Peaks for about a month I realized that it was doing nothing for me physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally. I felt like I was living a double life by going to church on Sunday, portraying myself as a good role model for my younger sisters, and lying to my family about working there.
I felt ashamed that two months prior I was asking God to lead me where He wanted me to go, despite the fear I felt or the struggles I’d face.. yet here I was, once again, lacking faith, trust, honesty, & self-love. I found myself stuck and left to question everything once again. (Because, yet again I wanted to do things my way and not His)
Stay tuned for part two to see how that ended. 👀
Thanks for reading!
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