Ashlyn in Progress 

I have recently changed my blog’s name from “ashlynsully” to “AshlynInProgress.” 

There are a multitude of reasons for the change and they go as follows in no particular order: 

1.) I have been living a lie. I have been portraying my life to others falsely. I have been portraying myself as having my shit together when I definitely don’t. I have been doing a lot of self reflecting lately and realized I am so scared of others finding out that I am hot mess that I project my fear into judgements. I take my personal fear and manipulate it into parenting others. I have been putting myself into a place of superiority that I do not deserve. For example: I try to “parent” people around me by putting them down, life-coaching them, and getting stressed out over their life choices that don’t effect me at all. I do this while playing the role of “I’m just trying to help” when in reality I am trying to distract myself and others from my own crazy, dysfunctional life. Let me formally apologize for this behavior. I am sorry if I have ever personally offended you because I have taken the role of a “parent” or “coach” and not the role of a friend, sister, or loved one. I am sorry if I have ever made you feel like less of a person because of my selfish needs to hide my own chaos & boost my own morale. It has never been my intentions to hurt or hinder those around me. 

2.) My anxiety is through the roof right now & battling depression is an every day war zone, but I am making progress. I have been living in denial. I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when I was in the 8th grade. Although I have never been one to let my mental health define who I am as a person, I have always been very open about it. Last semester I was struggling a silent fight with depression. I pushed my blame onto other things instead of acknowledging the fact that I was suffering and needed help. It took me months to finally confess to my boyfriend the thoughts and feelings that I was having on a daily basis. I was always blaming my anxiety and depression in factors that played into my mental health instead of just owning the fact that I was struggling mentally. For example: I blamed my depression and anxiety on school work, I blamed it on my boyfriend, I blamed it on work, I blamed it on finances, my absent father, I even blamed my dogs. I owe the biggest apology here to my boyfriend. Here is the man who stands by my side day in and day out. The man who encourages me on a daily basis to reach my full potential.. And I was blaming him for my own struggles. I am so blessed that he loves me unconditionally. 

3.) I am extremely insecure. You can see me play out my insecurities in a multitude of ways. This goes back to me trying to pretend that I have my life together by projecting myself that way on social media and in person. I exaggerate stories to make myself seem “cool.” I contradict my own beliefs at times to win over others approval of me. Lastly, I judge others on petty little things don’t even matter just to make myself feel better. For example: I am constantly pointing out what others do wrong or pointing out what I find weird about them. I gossip daily because of my insecurities I talk about others to avert the focus from myself. I apologize to anyone that I have gossiped about. I apologize to the countless girls I have judged on a petty level without knowing their story or their background. I am sorry, so sorry. 

  

So for right now I am putting up the construction tape and calling myself a work in progress. It is time to save myself & love myself for who I am today & quit putting up facades and living in denial. I am taking a break from the “social media” world (Facebook & Twitter) as I strive to find myself and experience life without trying to please anyone but myself. I am ridding my life of negativity and filling those areas in my life with positivity. I am ambitious to start this journey and I pray that you all join in with me to be a better version of ourselves every day. I hope that by humbling myself and exposing my inner demons in this post that I will now be held to a new level of accountability by those around me. I know I am not a crappy person, but I am far from perfect. 
Follow my journey of discovery and new life on this blog under the #AshlynInProgress tab. 

  

Much love, 

Ashlyn Sullivan
As always, feel free to contact me. (Contact information can be found under “who is Ashlyn” tab)

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6 thoughts on “Ashlyn in Progress 

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  1. Ashlynn,
    I love how open you’re willing to be about changes your making to yourself. A big part of the reason I started blogging is because I had some things I wanted to work on in myself and am still really trying to work on them. Life is always under construction but sometimes it’s nice to remind yourself of that.

  2. You never cease to astonish me with you capability of wanting to better things. You will conquer the world one day, little lady. But remember… Everything in its time. You take time to mature into who you are and then the rest will fall into place. I love your passion to want to help others but I’m SO glad you realized you must work on saving yourself first. It’s like when you board an airplane and the talk about the oxygen masks. You must put your mask on first and then assist those around you with theirs. I see great things in your beautiful future!!

  3. Ashlyn, know that the journey to self-awareness never ends, even for those of us who are in our later years. Successes, accolades, relationships, joys and sorrows–all combine to make us who we are, and those dark parts of us continue to haunt our days and nights–the “not perfect” parts. You are a beautiful, wonderful person–own that. You also have myriad fears and insecurities–own that. That is what makes us human. That is what makes others attracted to us. My mother was a powerful force in my life–good and bad–and her constant goal was to have a “perfect” daughter. She succeeded in making me believe that anything in any area that is less that “perfect” is failure. But “perfect” isn’t human. I still battle that as I face my 74th birthday later this month. Let go a bit, learn to love yourself and you will learn to love more in those around you. I join you on your journey.

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