I have recently changed my blog’s name from “ashlynsully” to “AshlynInProgress.”
There are a multitude of reasons for the change and they go as follows in no particular order:
1.) I have been living a lie. I have been portraying my life to others falsely. I have been portraying myself as having my shit together when I definitely don’t. I have been doing a lot of self reflecting lately and realized I am so scared of others finding out that I am hot mess that I project my fear into judgements. I take my personal fear and manipulate it into parenting others. I have been putting myself into a place of superiority that I do not deserve. For example: I try to “parent” people around me by putting them down, life-coaching them, and getting stressed out over their life choices that don’t effect me at all. I do this while playing the role of “I’m just trying to help” when in reality I am trying to distract myself and others from my own crazy, dysfunctional life. Let me formally apologize for this behavior. I am sorry if I have ever personally offended you because I have taken the role of a “parent” or “coach” and not the role of a friend, sister, or loved one. I am sorry if I have ever made you feel like less of a person because of my selfish needs to hide my own chaos & boost my own morale. It has never been my intentions to hurt or hinder those around me.
2.) My anxiety is through the roof right now & battling depression is an every day war zone, but I am making progress. I have been living in denial. I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when I was in the 8th grade. Although I have never been one to let my mental health define who I am as a person, I have always been very open about it. Last semester I was struggling a silent fight with depression. I pushed my blame onto other things instead of acknowledging the fact that I was suffering and needed help. It took me months to finally confess to my boyfriend the thoughts and feelings that I was having on a daily basis. I was always blaming my anxiety and depression in factors that played into my mental health instead of just owning the fact that I was struggling mentally. For example: I blamed my depression and anxiety on school work, I blamed it on my boyfriend, I blamed it on work, I blamed it on finances, my absent father, I even blamed my dogs. I owe the biggest apology here to my boyfriend. Here is the man who stands by my side day in and day out. The man who encourages me on a daily basis to reach my full potential.. And I was blaming him for my own struggles. I am so blessed that he loves me unconditionally.
3.) I am extremely insecure. You can see me play out my insecurities in a multitude of ways. This goes back to me trying to pretend that I have my life together by projecting myself that way on social media and in person. I exaggerate stories to make myself seem “cool.” I contradict my own beliefs at times to win over others approval of me. Lastly, I judge others on petty little things don’t even matter just to make myself feel better. For example: I am constantly pointing out what others do wrong or pointing out what I find weird about them. I gossip daily because of my insecurities I talk about others to avert the focus from myself. I apologize to anyone that I have gossiped about. I apologize to the countless girls I have judged on a petty level without knowing their story or their background. I am sorry, so sorry.
So for right now I am putting up the construction tape and calling myself a work in progress. It is time to save myself & love myself for who I am today & quit putting up facades and living in denial. I am taking a break from the “social media” world (Facebook & Twitter) as I strive to find myself and experience life without trying to please anyone but myself. I am ridding my life of negativity and filling those areas in my life with positivity. I am ambitious to start this journey and I pray that you all join in with me to be a better version of ourselves every day. I hope that by humbling myself and exposing my inner demons in this post that I will now be held to a new level of accountability by those around me. I know I am not a crappy person, but I am far from perfect.
Follow my journey of discovery and new life on this blog under the #AshlynInProgress tab.
As always, feel free to contact me. (Contact information can be found under “who is Ashlyn” tab)